Beating a Dead Blog

Damn, I'd forgotten this existed, until a friend of mine started reading the old posts and (I guess) didn't notice it was last updated 3 years ago.

When last this blog heard from me, I was starting to pull my ass out of the sling in the personal life department, but my professional life was going down the tubes.

Remember the little blurb about the guy I met playing solitaire online? We're still together. It's good. In a couple of weeks we'll be headed out on a business trip to teach classes.

Also in my last post, I was looking at my job being outsourced. Well, that happened... and a month after that gig closed down, I had a new one. When I tired of that gig and tried to quit, a manager in another department brought me on to do be the department's technology guru. They teamed me with a programmer - who just happens to be the solitaire player.

Oh, the icing on the cake - after four years of treatment: my psychiatrist has decided that I'm not crazy after all. I'm simply too smart for my own good and have zero tolerance for bullshit. THus, I'm being weaned off my medication.

It's strange not walking around in that particular fogbank.

So, now you see why I haven't updated this in three years - I've had nothing to complain about.

Ch..ch..ch..changes...

Well, I know it's been a while since I updated, but I've been a busy mental case.

The old pal I went to visit decided he wanted to remain "just friends"... then quit talking to me. That pretty much convinced me there was no such thing as a decent single guy left, that they had become extinct. So, I decided with the lack of "Mr. Right", I'd start seeking out "Mr. Right Now" - the guy you meet in the bar, don't bother with a last name and get home before daylight. The only flaw in that plan was that most guys are looking for slim, pretty 20 to 30somethings at the bar... they usually had ex-wives that looked like me.

So, I started spending my nights playing online solitaire and chatting with other players. One fellow was mentioning that the downside to Texas was not being able to find fresh mozzarella and semolina bread. I gave him a web address for a chain of gourmet grocers. After a couple of nights of chatting, he mentioned he'd be willing to drive up to one of the stores close to me. I offered to take a half day off and play tour guide for him. After a stroll through the store, double espressos, dinner and lots of talking, I discovered that nice guys may not yet be extinct but they are an endangered species - and I've put this one under my personal protection.

Another change, and not for the better: the announcement came that the job I got back in February is being outsourced. Fourteen people have provided pre-sales technical information and support for a major corporation's entire United States and Canadian sales force for 15 years. The company has decided it costs too much to do this from the US, so they're moving the operation to foreign soil. Last month, they did this with over 100 other jobs in the same facility, splitting those jobs between two foreign countries. It's bad enough that America no longer has manufacturing capabilities because it's cheaper to build products in Asia and Mexico. America could survive as a service economy - call centers, troubleshooting, repair depots - if you leave them in this country! The new threat is not southern Asia or Russia - it's Canada. You know why? Because Americans can understand a Canadian on the telephone and employers don't have to pay health benefits in a country with socialized medicine.

Here's how you fight back: before you buy a product, ask where their support center is located. If they won't tell you, don't buy. If it's not in the US, tell them why you won't buy. A working America is a strong America, in more ways than just politically.

If any politician reads this, propose a bill that DOUBLES the taxes for any corporation that ships jobs out of the country, and reduces them for any company that returns all the outsourced jobs. It may be time to seriously look at health care for all - because too many go without now.

When a door closes...

It only took me 10 months to realize that the "temporary seperation" in my relationship was indeed permanent. I suppose at the time, it was a good idea for him to tell me that it was just a temporary thing, because I probably would have driven my car off one of the bridges between Oklahoma and Texas back then. I was still thoroughly under his spell. Since he hasn't been returning calls or emails, I just left messages telling him I was moving on. The way of the elctronic age - the "Dear John" letter has been replaced with voicemail.

Time and distance did a lot to loosen up that hold. So did actually getting my feet back under me. Rediscovering myself has been an adventure so far, and it's looking like it might be a fun one. I'm celebrating by taking a trip this weekend, another Labor Day weekend and maybe one sometime in June. An old friend has said that he "really likes" me and asked me to come visit. I'm headed out that way this weekend, but I am not getting my hopes up beyond spending a weekend with a friend and enjoying time together.

One thing I have to learn is to stop selling myself short. I need to stop burying my personality every time I get around a guy because I'm afraid that I may be too overpowering. I'm a strong willed person. I'm passionate in my beliefs and desires.

Guys, if you can't take the power - then maybe you'd better stay far away from me. I may be willing to go along with whatever on little things like dinner choices and furniture colors, because it's not something that will have a major effect on the course of a lifetime. When I make mention of something someone did in the past that pissed me off, take note - it's likely the only warning you're getting that this is a way to avoid making a relationship killing mistake. One thing I will not stand is infidelity. I don't sleep around when I'm in a relationship and I expect the same of my partner.

Consider yourself warned - she's back. Now, are there any brave souls out there?

Tenative optimism

Well, I'm doing my best to only be mildly ecstatic.

I was snoozing on the sofa when my cell phone rang. Thanks to the technology that allows the setting of ringtones for different groups, I recognized the ring as that for the technical recruiter I'd been dealing with for the past four months on trying to get on an assignment.

Oh... did I forget to mention that I'd interviewed back in early October for a position in pre-sales support? Then got stalled by a hiring freeze and re-interviewed for the job a month ago?

Well, this morning I was told that pending results of a drug screening and background check, I should be starting my first full time paying job since May of 2001 on February 21, 2005.

Exausted

I've been way too tired lately. It's not just a depressive cycle, because that just leaves me wanting to stay on the couch or just wanting to log into UO and kill stuff. No, this is one of those where I'm cold all the time, I want to sleep about 16-18 hours a day, I hurt all over, I can't remember to take my pills, I have no appetite at all and I'm having flashbacks that interrupt my sleep.

The flashbacks are a recent development. In addition to playing Ultima Online, I also staff on the shard where I play. On Friday night, I was the only staffer available to handle a call concerning player on player combat under circumstances where it's not suposed to be legal. Saturday morning, I received a copy of the server log leading up to the incident. I'll admit, I screwed up by not jailing the characters of both players - the "victim" for abusive language and the "killer" for engaging in non-consent player versus player combat. However, the killer made a statement on the way out that, to me, was beyond the pale:

"id rape every little single of your mob friend one by one , so next time watch what you say"

In August of 1977, I was the victim of a violent gang rape that I managed to block out of my memory. It started to come back in bits and pieces starting in August of 2003, but not understanding what these flashes were contributed to the nervous breakdown I had at that time.

Saturday, I made a comment to a pal in an instant message. It's strange how something that seems innocent will trigger something deeper with the right stimulus. See, I have a "talent" that is considered very offbeat - I can't swim a stroke unless my hands are behind my back. It seems that the five guys and the girl that attacked me back in 1977 had decided they were going to get rid of me afterwards by tying my hands behind me and dragging me behind their fishing boat until I drowned. Fortunately for me, the tow rope they had around my chest wasn't tied securely and came loose - I was able to swim from mid-river to the shore by kicking alone.

Amazing some of the ugly images words like "rape" or "high school" can conjure up in some minds.

Trying to find something to be thankful for

It's Thanksgiving Day. History tells us this is the time when the first Anglo-Saxon settlers in this country were saved from starving to death by the native peoples. Abraham Lincoln designated the last Thursday of November as a national day of Thanksgiving. It's the start of the "holidays", it's the day your newspaper will be stuffed full of advertisements for "early bird specials", it's the day when the most abused substance in America will be the amino acid Tryptophan and the only day of the year you don't need to be loaded to see flying critters sailing down 5th Avenue in New York City.

I haven't had a lot to be thankful for this year. I'm thankful my brother allowed me to move back in. I'm thankful to my friends Spencer and Holly for providing some semblance of dignity in allowing me to work for them rather than just treating me like a charity case. I'm thankful to the two managers that did at least allow me to interview, unlike the 48 that just round filed my resume because I haven't had a steady paying technical job since 2001. I'm thankful to the psychiatric professionals in Tulsa that diagnosed my problem, even if the ones here in Lewisville seem to have dropped the ball and only want to treat half the problem... and it's not the half that needs treatment the most.

To those I love, I wish you a happy Thanksgiving.

An open letter to George W. Bush

So it appears the American people are stuck with another four years of your "leadership". This isn't a letter of congratulations, bucko. In case some 7 year old wasn't available to read the numbers to you, your victory wasn't decisive - the only reason you get to be President for the next four years is because John Kerry is not willing allow the further polarization of the nation. That's an example you should follow.

You and your cronies have implied that to disagree with your point of view makes a person unpatriotic. Guess what? About half the voting public disagreed with you and your policies and your administration yesterday. The only reason you're not joining the 5.4% of the nation on the unemployment line is because the Electoral College system does not reflect the true will of the voting public. (Oh, I'm not counted in those unemployment figures, even though I look daily and have sent out enough resumes to wallpaper a small suburb, because my last job was through a contract agency. Technically, the government still considers me "employed" even though I've not had an assignment in 9 months.)

Now, how do you intend to deal with those of us that you've pretty much flat out accused of being unAmerican because we didn't like the message you put forth? Maybe not you personally, but you're such a strong believer in taking responsibility for those that act with your authority - like Dick Cheney, Condalizza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, John Ashcroft... it used to be that the most American thing you could do was have a difference of opinion with the ruling administration. Hell, that's what Americans pointed to first thing as to what made being American so great and so cool - you could not only disagree with the government, you could do so openly and vocally and not have to worry about government retribution. Now we have "The Patriot Act" - which was written and passed in an atmosphere of fear and makes every vocal citizen a suspect.

While we're at it - how about Iraq and Abu Ghraib? You weren't willing to go to Viet Nam so you started one of your own? That may not have been your intention, but that's what you've got. "Insurgents" is this war's term for "Viet Cong". You should have stuck to one task, and that was going after bin Laden. Saddam wasn't going anywhere. The bullshit intelligence that your boys cooked up could have been sat on until the mountains surrounding Tora Bora were reduced to landscaping pebbles. You screwed up, you jumped the gun and now you've turned what had been the greatest nation in the world into a laughingstock. You went on and on about how Saddam tortured and killed prisoners in the Abu Ghraib prison, and what happened there under our watch? Prisoners were humiliated, tortured and at least one died. Over 1,100 American and an estimated that 100,000 Iraqi lives have been lost, because of what? Let's see... no weapons of mass destruction, no connection to Al Qaida... must have been because Saddam threatened your daddy. So, all those people died because of your ego? If that's the case, you should be Saddam's co-defendant.

George, you say that God talks to you. Y'know if you admit to that at the Denton County MHMR, they'll medicate you with anti-psychotics. It's one of the symptoms of schitzo-affective disorder. It might help. There's no shame in admtting you need help, man. It's the first step to recovery. You may just need less stress in your life. How about handing over that stress inducing job to John Kerry and heading back to the ranch?