Self Inflicted Emotional Wounds

There are certain websites I know I should just stay completely away from, but I can't. I've always been one of those people that always peeked under the bandages when the doctor would tell me to leave the injury covered for faster healing, or I would pick at an open wound, causing it to heal slower.

One of those sites is the blog of the woman Joe lives with. Some entries there hit me like a 25 pound sledgehammer right in the gut.

You know, in a way I can't blame Joe for running for the hills after I melted down. I was not an easy person to live with. I became the opposite of what he knew me to be: insecure, emotionally unbalanced, clinging and suicidal. Hell, I was what he'd just left behind. I was the opposite of the one he's with now.

On the other hand, he knew I'd had relationships in the past that had gone bad because of third parties. When he asked me about allowing another into our relationship, my boundries were pretty clear - he visited her and engaged in standard safety practices, because she believed she may have HPV. In short, I wanted some distance. She was coming to visit when school was on break. I said okay, I'll go stay with family. That agreement was I would stay long enough to meet her, have dinner and then be driven to stay with my oldest. I never made it out of town. Not a single one of my boundries has ever been respected. Within the week, I made an attempt at killing myself and the voices in my head actually talked me OUT of it.

Maybe the surest sign that I'm mentally ill is that I still love him.