Exausted

I've been way too tired lately. It's not just a depressive cycle, because that just leaves me wanting to stay on the couch or just wanting to log into UO and kill stuff. No, this is one of those where I'm cold all the time, I want to sleep about 16-18 hours a day, I hurt all over, I can't remember to take my pills, I have no appetite at all and I'm having flashbacks that interrupt my sleep.

The flashbacks are a recent development. In addition to playing Ultima Online, I also staff on the shard where I play. On Friday night, I was the only staffer available to handle a call concerning player on player combat under circumstances where it's not suposed to be legal. Saturday morning, I received a copy of the server log leading up to the incident. I'll admit, I screwed up by not jailing the characters of both players - the "victim" for abusive language and the "killer" for engaging in non-consent player versus player combat. However, the killer made a statement on the way out that, to me, was beyond the pale:

"id rape every little single of your mob friend one by one , so next time watch what you say"

In August of 1977, I was the victim of a violent gang rape that I managed to block out of my memory. It started to come back in bits and pieces starting in August of 2003, but not understanding what these flashes were contributed to the nervous breakdown I had at that time.

Saturday, I made a comment to a pal in an instant message. It's strange how something that seems innocent will trigger something deeper with the right stimulus. See, I have a "talent" that is considered very offbeat - I can't swim a stroke unless my hands are behind my back. It seems that the five guys and the girl that attacked me back in 1977 had decided they were going to get rid of me afterwards by tying my hands behind me and dragging me behind their fishing boat until I drowned. Fortunately for me, the tow rope they had around my chest wasn't tied securely and came loose - I was able to swim from mid-river to the shore by kicking alone.

Amazing some of the ugly images words like "rape" or "high school" can conjure up in some minds.