Hurry up and wait

That's been the story of my life the past few weeks. Waiting for "standby" appointments and never seeing the doctor; going on a job interview and being told that a decision would be made on Friday, only to have the person that's doing the hiring go on vacation, topped off by a recruiter that takes 10 minutes to say "We still haven't heard anything."

The real capper for the week? Dave from Denton County Health and Human Services. I had applied for Medicaid and food stamps when I went in for the financial assesment interview at DCMHMR. I was told to expect a phone call sometime in the next two weeks. Yesterday, I get a call on my cell phone from this Dave and he starts out hostile because he'd had to call four times to get ahold of me. Well, I checked the times - he'd called four times in 10 minutes. Sorry, I was monitoring email for possible job offers and I don't take my cell into the bathroom with me. After answering questions and enduring his nasty tone of voice, including his getting huffy when I explained I didn't have my 21 year old's Social Security number memorized and I'd have to put the phone down for a moment while I grabbed my wallet, he tells me what he needs me to send in - a copy of my latest bank statement and a photocopy of my ID.

I explain it'll take me a few days to get the bank statement, because they go to Joe. He says, "Can't you get one off the web and print it out?"
"Sorry, no printer", I inform him.
"Well, then have the fellow fax it down" is his next suggestion.
"I don't have access to a fax machine and I don't know if he does, either."
"Have it faxed."
"I thought I just told you I don't have fax machine access?"
"I was going to suggest he fax it to me, but if you don't want me to make things easy on you, I won't bother in the future."
There's several things that I don't like about having been off my medication for two weeks. One of these is how short a fuse is on my temper. I took a deep breath and said to Dave, "Why don't you just take that food stamp application and shove it up your ass? If I have to endure an attitude like yours and be made to feel like trash because I have the audacity to apply for assistance, I'd rather fucking starve."

When I was in Tulsa, I was given a form to help me chart out my mood swings. The scale ranged from a +5 manic episode, which is a lot like feeding the Taz from Looney Toons an ounce of speed to a -5 depressive episode, which is one of those where you cannot force yourself to do anything, you don't want to take care of yourself and you can't even drag yourself out of bed. I've been running at that -5 level lately. I probably would have killed myself this past week if I could have managed to get myself off the couch. I need contact with another human being beyond the level of "dinner's ready" and "computer's yours", which is the extent of conversation around here most evenings. I need to know someone out there gives a damn if I'm still here or not.

Is anyone out there?