When mood stablizers don't.

Sometimes it's a struggle to want to keep doing simple things, like breathing. Mostly that occurs when my bullshit threshold has been overrun and I start realizing how useless I really am.

The friends I have here all have significant others, so I'm just a third wheel and in the way. I don't want to spend too much time with them because I know they have lives and don't need a walking reminder of how things can go so wrong.

The friends I left back in Tulsa have enough problems of their own and I don't need to bother them with how lousy I'm feeling down here.

Joe's busy trying to get his stuff unpacked and organized into Kris' apartment. I get one email a day from him and they're mostly just updates on how his search for work and adjustment to Columbia is going. Not even a hint of affection in them. He may not be putting things in writing, but I can read between the lines. Maybe he's being cautious because he's emailing me from a profile on Kris' computer, but it may also be I'm just being slowly dropped.

If I just disappeared or died... would anyone really notice? Or care?

No, this isn't some online suicide note... I'm not in that bad of shape yet. However, when I get depressed, I just don't have privacy enough to work through the mood because I don't want to expose those I live with to what I'm living with. I don't want to have to explain to Alex why I'm feeling like crying and I know Fred doesn't want to deal with it. I could go down to my car, but that has a danger all it's own - if I do get bad enough, what's to stop me from starting it up and driving off a bridge? I don't want to be a danger to anyone else.